This is a very impromptu post. I wasn’t planning on blogging anything today, in fact, I was merely planning out the direction I want my blog to go. I was doing a lot of research and then, out of nowhere, my mind said, “I need to write.” So, I listened. Since starting this blog, some days I tell myself I HAVE to post something and just pick a topic to write about, but it feels so wrong. It feels like a book report that I have to write in order to get a grade, I don’t like that at all. Especially in regards to my blog, I don’t want it to have a sense of urgency. Writing and expressing myself through words isn’t something that is in a constant and consistent flow. I highly doubt I am the only writer that is this way. Sometimes I wish it did so I could constantly be writing, talk about a complete writing nerd. But, in a way, getting these surges of inspiration inside me feel surreal sometimes. That random and instantaneous moment of creativity, emotions, and feelings feels like you could conquer or change that world right then and there.
Something happened this morning that forever changed my view on helping others and sending good vibes to people who seem lost, scared, confused, or any emotion for that matter. Just general acts of kindness to other people regardless if they are very close or a complete stranger. I was browsing my social media news feed per usual and I came across something someone had wrote about eating disorders. I did not know this person very well, but had noticed for a while now that they had been posting very negative things about themselves and their life. I felt the sudden urge to write a response, not to attack or condescend the person, but just a message of good energy and kindness. I felt like I could be of some help if needed because on some level, I understood the pain they seemed to be feeling. About 20 minutes later, I received an array of cruel messages right back at me as if I had completely torn this person apart. I was absolutely blown away and immediately my heart began to tremble. What had I done? What did I say that possibly made me deserve this kind of reaction? They accused me of being condescending towards them, saying I was making them seem clueless, that my experience was the same as everyone else’s and did not make a difference at all, and that I basically needed to back off with my “recovery warrior” shit and let them be. That alone is just an understatement and milder version of what was said to me, but that was basically the main point. Keep in mind, I wrote maybe 2 or 3 messages to them and was bombarded with over 7-8 messages of pure anger.
Now, as I mentioned, my first reaction felt like a gunshot to my heart. My palms were sweaty and my arms shook. I was told to block this person immediately and that is when my mind shifted. I looked out the window and thought back to 3 years ago, when I was really sick with my eating disorder and was in complete denial about it. I then imagined that version of me getting that message from someone. Now, while I definitely would not have responded with such graphic word choice and anger, I would have told them to back off too. I remember being in such denial about my illness despite everyone around me telling me I needed help. I then looked back to the situation I was in and instead of my heart hurting for my sake, I hurt for this person. I began to see through the words and how much pain was hidden among them. Granted, I am no doctor or therapist, but sometimes I feel like the best people to see this stuff are the people that have lived through it or are living it. While the words still hurt, I looked at them in a new light and decided that I would not block this person out of my life. If I were in their position, I know deep down I would feel even worse about myself if someone would have pushed me away like that. It would have only proved the negative thoughts I believed about myself.
This goes to say that I do not regret my words or anything I said to this person. I want to believe that positive actions can be rewarded sometimes and in this case, I am hoping that this person one day reaches out to me if they need it. If not, I will be happy that I did not shut my door. I wanted to share this because there are times in this life where despite being kind, we will get the opposite in return. However, we can’t let that make us go reverse and act back the same way. We have to hold our own ground. Firmly. Confidence is something that is very hard to fully embrace and taking small steps helps. We also have to remind ourselves that each person on this planet is on their own wavelength, their own path and we do not see eye to eye, think the same or feel the same. We have to remind ourselves that the other person may not actually hate you and if they react a certain way, that does not make you undesirable or them a “bad” person. They could simply be on a different wavelength then you or be on a more complicated path. A year ago, those words would have crumbled me apart, but today, they didn’t. Why? Because I have moved on to another path in my life. I am still not where I want to be and it’s still a very messy path, but its a stronger and more colorful path and I am happy about that.
This goes to that person and hoping you find color and good vibes in your life. This also goes to everyone reading this, send good vibes to someone if you feel like they need it whether you know them or not. If they react in a completely opposite way, don’t take it personally. Take a deep breathe, back off, but keep your door open. Let us all start and alchemy of positive actions.