I promise I haven’t neglected my blog on purpose; let’s just say life gets in the way and I’ve been at a loss for words lately. Not in the sense that emotions have ceased to come through me, but that attempting to compose them into a writing has seemed impossible. After what seems like a million centuries of studying today, I felt like I needed to give some love to my blog and spill my heart with a couple things that have been going through my mind/happening lately.
The first thing is that after being dormant from the dance world for what seems like forever, I started taking ballet classes once a week. Sounds like something simple, right? Ohhhhhh, no. If you haven’t read my ‘Life Story’ post then you may not know that I stopped dancing over a year ago due for a multitude of reasons. It was dealing with my eating disorder at first, but realizing after later coming back to it, that it was not serving me happiness anymore. It was still a place of comparison and judgement that I could not look past. I was not able to just dance for myself anymore, I was too worried about other things. I was still not in a good place anymore or rather, needed a change of scenery. Fast forward, I have been living in Estonia for about a year and half now and dance still has not left my heart. I think many people get this idea that I left because I hated it, but no. It is still so dear to me, but I needed to find a way to have it in my life in a different way. There is a dance school here where I live, Tartu, and after many months of putting it off because of fear, I finally emailed the school and asked about classes. I was happy to find out that they offer open classes to the public and after a very shaky and scary start, I have been going and plan on going at least once a week. Being in a leotard and tights was probably the most difficult thing and it sent back bad memories of judgement. However, thanks to a wise boyfriend and mother, they told me to dance in what I feel best in. For me, now, that is in my favorite yoga leggings, a loose rosy pink top, and my hair throw up in a rustic shaped bun with pieces going in multiple directions. At first I thought, “No, I can’t do ballet in this.” Then, I realized “Who said?” I am doing this FOR ME. Not for anyone else. I am there to move and dance without worrying about getting picked for a company, without having to compare myself to the person next me, and so many other things that I am NOT there for. I am there to have fun and nurture the dancer that will always be in my heart.
The second thing started with an unexpected event that made me start to think about how I ‘label’ myself. My boyfriend and I were in the grocery store looking for something to make for dinner. It was already pretty late and neither of us really wanted to cook. We passed by the frozen section and there was this new frozen pizza that my boyfriend suggested we try. The ingredients were all real foods, but for some reason I started to freak out and tell myself things like “Me? Eat a frozen pizza? That’s not me. I don’t and can’t do that.” “What would people think of me?” “I’m suppose to be the healthy one.” Those things plus thousands of other things began to run through my head. Luckily, I decided to take it and eat it. You know how the night went? We both ate our pizzas, then my boyfriend turned on Queen from Youtube and we began to dance, sing, and be entirely goofy together. We laughed so much and guess what? I completely forgot about that frozen pizza that I was absolutely losing my mind over. This brings me to the moral of these events that have happened lately and that is that THERE IS SO MUCH MORE to something than we sometimes give it. When it came to finally taking those ballet classes, I could not see past the bad memories and the fear of starting something again. Or the fear of wearing what I wanted and not what I thought I should wear, there is SO much more to it. I was so worried about the things on the outside that I forgot that the real reason for coming back was because I love to dance. When it came to the pizza ordeal, it was not about the fact that I have to fit into some label or that I have to make up these rules for myself that say I ‘can’t’ ever have something once in a while, it was the whole idea of being spontaneous, listening to a craving, and the moments and laughter enjoyed after the pizza. That is what this all is.
We are so consumed by what others think, especially through Instagram, I know I can be a victim sometimes. I see a ballet photo and get terrified and assume that I can never have that in my life anymore or I see so many ‘healthy’ veggie bowls and feel like a monster for allowing myself to have frozen pizza for once. There is so much more to those feelings that we have. There is so much more beyond the photo or the feeling. Live this life for yourself and no body else. It’s easy said than done, I know. However, you don’t want to look back on your life and realize you did things for the sake of what others would think of you or did things a certain way because someone else said it was ‘wrong’ or ‘bad.’ You do what makes you thrive. Don’t put yourself in a box or a label. It’s so silly. You’re going to miss so much if you live that way. I know if I would not have stepped in that ballet class, I would not be sitting here now with pure excitement for tomorrow’s class and I know if I would not have eaten that frozen pizza would I have been rolling around in laughter with my boyfriend afterwards. There is so. much. more….